The Grass is Greener, Until You Realize It's Just Grass

"the grass is always greener where you water it"

Hey friends,

I spend too much time on travel tok and Instagram travel accounts and I’ve noticed in my endless scrolling, that a pattern has emerged from some Americans abroad. The best way to describe it is the “grass is always greener, rose-tinted, confirmation bias phenomenon.” It’s where Americans, jaded by the state of the US, take to social media to detail the endless reasons why every place they’ve ever visited on our floating space rock is better than the US.

Could the US do things to improve? Yes. Could we work less? Sure. Could the architecture be a little, I don’t know, prettier? Also yes. Could we have less crap in our food? Absolutely. Nobody here is saying that the US of A is perfect because we all know (or should know) that no place is.

And I get it, for I too was once this way. Growing up, I loved the History Channel, time-pieces, Jane Austen, and The Beatles. Most of my time was spent reading about other places and dreaming of visiting them. And then I did. Mexico was a paradise. Jamaica was heaven-sent. And the places I’d visited in the UK and Europe, well, nothing could compare. France, Italy, England, Ireland, and Spain, were picturesque and perfect in every imaginable way. Heaven on earth. Especially compared to the poor city planning of Utah where I grew up. Strip malls simply couldn’t hold up next to the Louver or the Duomo. But then, I took one step further and started making assumptions about things that I couldn’t possibly have known while on vacation for a week.

Additionally, it’s very difficult to cross-compare countries and do it any justice at all. For the comparisons to be even remotely accurate, one would have to consider class, education, job, specific city, and local culture. Every region in Italy is wildly different culturally just like every state in the US is almost like its own country with its own culture. For example, when someone says “Americans are overweight,” as someone who grew up in SLC, I’m like what in the world are they talking about? Folks in SL are extremely active in a scary wtf way. Move here, and it’s only a matter of time before someone drags you to a rock climbing gym against your will. Everyone (and I mean everyone) is fit, blonde, and oddly attractive (except for me). Think village of the damned but with pretty and toned adults. When people say “all Italians are thin,” I know immediately that they’ve never spent time in the south of Italy. And the same is true of warmth or friendliness. Are Italians warm? Depends. In Puglia, sure. In larger northern cities like Milan? Less so. Are Americans nice? Depends. Are you talking about a hardened New Yorker or a grandma from South Carolina? Is it cheaper to live in Italy than in the US? It’s not cheaper to live in Milan than in Idaho, but it might be cheaper to live in Naples than in L.A. Make sense?

The Illusion of Perfection: A Love-Hate Story

I have to wonder, is everything trash in the US, or are Americans culturally trained to be constantly searching for something better? A better car, a bigger home, nicer clothes, a heaven on earth?

It hasn’t always been this way. I remember visiting my great-grandparents’ perfectly middle-class home without a single new piece of furniture since the depression (yet everything was perfectly maintained), the mint condition Cadillac in the garage with only five thousand miles on it, my grandmother’s pantsuits and pearls that she’d had for five decades. I don’t know when it started, maybe in the eighties, but Americans seem to be constantly on the lookout for the next best thing.

This phenomenon hits peak crazy when some Americans move abroad. Suddenly, everything is magic, unicorns, and rainbows. Take Italy, for instance. According to some influencers, living there is like being in a full-time gelato commercial. Sickness doesn’t exist, everything is next to free, and time is best spent baking bread from scratch on your farm surrounded by 92,000 acres of wine grapes.

Unicorns and Dollar Signs: The Influencer Delusion

You’ve seen them, those TikTok videos of 22-year-old influencers claiming that life in Italy is so easy, so fun, so inexpensive. They’re waitressing and sipping espressos, talking about how everything is more affordable. Meanwhile, they’re conveniently forgetting that their income is bolstered by TikTok ad revenue, a trust fund, or a lack of bills and responsibilities outside of themselves (meaning, no kids, no mortgage, no debt). Rarely if ever do they mention that Italians living on Italian wages often need help from their parents to buy a home and they’re terrified that they’ll never retire. So, while our influencer buddies are frolicking in vineyards, real Italians are sweating over draining their parents’ life savings to buy an apartment the size of a shoebox in a city like Florence.

Work-Life Balance: A Mythical Creature?

“Work-life balance in Europe is SO much better,” says the TikTok philosopher who’s just started adulting. But chat with your friend who’s an engineer at a large company in Munich or a lawyer in Milan, and you’ll hear a different story. Long hours, frequent weekend work, and checking emails during vacations are not as rare as you’d think. The 22-year-old waiter’s hot take doesn’t quite capture the grind of a corporate job abroad. Sure, you might get more coffee breaks throughout the day, and one week more of vacation per year (depending, a lot of American companies have unlimited PTO now), but it’s not like workers in Europe are frolicking without responsibilities. Life is still happening in 2024, and being a lawyer at a large firm is the same pretty much everywhere.

Personal Reality vs. Universal Truth

Is Italy a better place to live than the US? Italy has a lot of great things. But here’s the honest truth: It totally depends. No place on earth is perfect. Your experience abroad and your quality of life abroad will depend on a lot of factors like your age, career, savings, and character type. At 25, running around Italy might feel like a dream (it did). Fast forward to being married to an Italian at thirty-five, managing a business where everyone insists on having every conversation in person, and dealing with your in-laws who invented helicopter parenting, and you might start questioning your life choices. The slow lifestyle might appeal to folks who enjoy things like making their own sourdough starter, sipping lemonade, and sitting on the porch to comment on the weather but depress and enrage folks who thrive on speedwalking or getting things done on their to-do list in record time for small and consistent dopamine hits. I’ve seen folks come alive in Italy, and others wither.

A Dose of Honesty: Tips for Realistically Approaching Life Abroad

When I first moved to Italy, I was that annoying person who thought everything was better. “European dog turds are so much more sophisticated!” I’d gush. But after five years, marrying an Italian, and attempting to own a business, I was over it. More than over it, I had become a husk. I went from feeling like I was in a Dolce Vita movie, to feeling depressed, isolated, and anxious. But after time away, I have a more balanced perspective and can appreciate the good without being blinded by the bad. I hope I can use my experience of delulu turned depressy to help others move abroad with a more realistic, healthy, and prepared mindset.

Here’s How to Keep Your Expectations in Check:

1. Research Like Your Life Depends on It: Understand the cost of living based on local wages for your very specific job. Don’t base it on your comfortable remote job. There are a lot of reasons why you might eventually need a local job, and you’ll want to know what that really looks like.

2. Talk to Real People: Find locals in your field and get the lowdown on work-life balance. Spoiler: It might not be the fairy tale you imagined. Don’t get work-life details from a young man who works at a vacation resort during the summer while getting his university degree in Alien Taxidermy. This is not the source for accurate info. Why? Because most likely, his parents are partially or entirely funding his lifestyle. Find someone in your field, doing your exact job, and chat with them about what day-to-day life is actually like (their weekly hours, wages, etc).

3. Visit Before You Commit: Spend a few weeks living as a local in the exact place you’d want to move. Do local things, not tourist things. Experience the mundane, like grocery shopping and dealing with the post office. Many Americans have left Italy after attempting to navigate things like their permesso.

4. Manage Your Expectations: Accept that every place has its pros and cons. Embrace the good, be prepared to navigate the not-so-good, and know what the cons might be in advance. I promise you, there will be cons because there are cons to everything and if you’re blindsided it will be worse.

5. Stay Flexible: Life changes, and so will your needs and desires. Be ready to adapt and reassess your situation regularly. Have an exit strategy or a backup plan in place.

Final Thoughts: The Rose-Tinted Glasses Effect

Looking for perfection is a sure way to end up disappointed. Those rose-tinted lenses will make everything seem wonderful until the lenses crack, and you’re left resentful and disillusioned. Italy, like anywhere else, has its charm and its challenges. The healthcare might be amazing, except when you’re getting a cervix exam from Nurse Ratched in Florence (honestly, so traumatizing). The family bonds can be both heartwarming and suffocating. The food? Always incredible. The women? Unapologetically fabulous. The state of cleanliness? On the gross side most of the time if you’re not used to sidewalks covered in ick.

So, before you sell your house and start a new life abroad, remember: the grass is always greener where you water it. Or, at the very least, where you acknowledge that sometimes, it’s just grass. Maybe happiness waits on the other side of the world. Maybe it’s right where you are.

Stay grounded, stay curious, and travel badly.

ME